Everything is not always as it seems

In my last post I mentioned that there was a couple in our church who already got matched and had a baby girl. They only got to keep her for 10 days. It is a complicated situation but it comes down to the state deciding that neither the father or mother were competent enough to sign the relinquishment papers. ( I think.) The birth mother and birth father are both mentally challenged which the adoptive parents knew. But they were working with a social worker who was taking them all through the process. It seemed like a done deal. It is so unfortunate. I feel so badly for our friends. In some way I feel little relief that is not us. But I also feel trepidation knowing that it could be us. It seems like such a simple idea. A woman is pregnant with a baby that she doesn't want to parent. A couple can't get pregnant but want to be parents. Let's put the 2 together. It just doesn't seem to work that way. . . .

Overdue Checkin

It has been a long time since I posted but there has been little to update. In the big picture nothing has changed. A & I are still waiting. It is sometimes very frustrating. We have not even had any contact. I know that God has a plan and we will be parents when it is time for us to be but I don't always keep that in mind. It can seem so unfair to see other people become parents so easily. The most recent occurrence. A couple from our Church that is using the same agency finished their paperwork and became available for a match 3 months after us. A few weeks ago they were matched and already have a baby girl. We are very happy for them but deep down it does seem a little unfair. But that is the way that Open Adoption works. We can only put the request out there. And based on the information available the Birth Mother chooses. It is one of the many things that we can not control in the process. It has made us a question if we are even supposed to be parents. But fortunately we have friends and family who are supportive. And as many have pointed out. If pregnancy doesn't come easily then there is no easy path to parenthood.Each path is just challenging in different ways.
Lately we have tried to focus on ourselves. Filling our time with work, church, and celebrating birthdays and anniversaries. Taking advantage of being able to stay out on a weeknight, meet friends for a drink on last minute notice, etc. It is little comfort but it is what we have control over. We can only use the time we have the best way we know how.

Latest update (Not much)

It has been a little over 3 months since out letter went into circulation and we have not had any real contacts. 2 email spams and 1 wrong number. (Some woman called our 800 number by mistake when she meant to call the agency. She actually knew a birthmother and was trying to make an adoption plan with her.) Our letter has gone out a few times. That means that a birthmother asked to see our letter along with others but never contacted us. It is hard right now. We have done all that we can do, really. Last week we mailed out 100 letters to organizations around the country. (Clinics, hospitals, etc.) So, at least we can keep looking for new contacts.We did go to a group meeting at the agency. We were the only couple there that had not adopted, yet. That was challenging but it was inspiring to hear all the different journeys to parenthood. And a reminder that it will happen it is just a matter of when. 

Other than that we are trying to take friends advice. Take advantage of the time that you have. Go out, stay out late, sleep in, travel because you will do less of all of those things as a parent. So we are trying to do that. 

Life speeding by

Well it has been a while since I posted. Things have been moving right along though. We did finally get the letter printed, approved and in circulation. And we got the website designed with the donation of time from a friend. We have sent the website out to most people we know and quite a few people that we don't know. Now we are starting to focus on getting the letters out to people. Trying to get it to people who have a greater probability of meeting a birth mom and working out from there. As our counselor keeps reminding us it only takes one connection.
It seems like it has been about a month since our letter went into circulation. In some ways this is the hardest part, the waiting. We are really trying to be patient but it isn't easy. Most of the time we are busy enough that we don't focus on it too long. If we dwell on it we will go crazy. The reality is we could get a call tomorrow or in a year. It is hard to be ready for that.

Letter still on hold

Well, if you have been following along you know that today we had hoped to have out letters in hand. But, alas, that is not true. Although I did get the file to the printer last Friday and we did get to have a nice relaxing weekend the proof has still not been approved by the agency, yet. We did get a proof on Monday and A drove the proof to the agency but we didn't hear back from them until Friday. Since we didn't have the actual photo print that we will be attaching they didn't want to approve it and they had one more minor change. Needless to say, we were a little upset. I was just plain mad. I thought the proof was really a formality. Now I may have to change the file, upload it, and get another proof.
We were both getting pretty impatient and frustrated until A posted on the agency's discussion forums and heard from other adoptive families who went through very similar processes. We have to remind each other that they are only trying to help us in the way that they have helped thousands of other families. We have been waiting a long time we can wait a little longer.

Printing is full of pain

Who knew you needed to be a graphic designer and web designer to become a parent. It certainly feels that way right now. We have spent some long hours on creating the design, picking the photos and writing the text. After 3 revisions with our social worker we got approval to get the letter printed. Who knew the painful process that would be. After printing the letter at home and getting it the way we wanted I took it into work to use our laser printer. (My boss offered to let me use our printer to save money) 2 laser printers, 1 ink jet printer and 2 kinds of paper later I gave up trying to print it at work. On to a professional print shop. The print shop was very helpful. After talking to them we decided that paying for the print service was best. I still had to prepare the files, though. Another arduous process. Especially when I discovered most of the photos would have to be imported again at a higher resolution. So, I did that. And with the help of a few friends we got all the photos in the correct resolution. So, right now I am uploading the files to the print service. Multiple times to get everything right. We will have a proof on Monday. If all goes well we will have the letters by April 4 and we will be sending them out after that.

This has been quite the learning experience. I didn't want to pay someone to do the letter for us. I am not sure if that was the right choice. We did save a lot of money and I did learn some valuable skills. But it also has eaten up a lot of our time. Including part of our vacation. Now that the letter is finally done (I hope). I am going to try enjoy the rest of the time off I have.

1st group session

This week we went to our first group "counseling" session. It isn't really counseling but more of a support group. After you adopt it is required until the adoption is finalized. But the groups are open to any couples in the process. We weren't the only couples waiting to adopt who attended but we were in the minority. We heard some fantastic stories. Everything from easy as cake to long drawn out processes. But they all had babies so the stories always had happy endings.The group was very supportive of each other and helpful with challenges. Since everyone is different places in the process there is a lot of experience to share.
Our process is getting close to the next phase. All the paperwork has been turned in. We will have to do some revisions to birth mother letter and then the web site.Once that is done we will start with some self promotion. So, if you are reading this you will probably get some letters to hand out. One of the stories we heard was how the adoptive mother and birth mother's mother had the same OB/GYN. The OB/GYN showed the letter to the birth mother and they ended up matching. So, the match doesn't have to start at the agency. Our baby can come from anywhere.

Seeing all those couples at the meeting with their babies made it real for me. This will happen. It is just a matter of time.