This week we went to our first group "counseling" session. It isn't really counseling but more of a support group. After you adopt it is required until the adoption is finalized. But the groups are open to any couples in the process. We weren't the only couples waiting to adopt who attended but we were in the minority. We heard some fantastic stories. Everything from easy as cake to long drawn out processes. But they all had babies so the stories always had happy endings.The group was very supportive of each other and helpful with challenges. Since everyone is different places in the process there is a lot of experience to share.
Our process is getting close to the next phase. All the paperwork has been turned in. We will have to do some revisions to birth mother letter and then the web site.Once that is done we will start with some self promotion. So, if you are reading this you will probably get some letters to hand out. One of the stories we heard was how the adoptive mother and birth mother's mother had the same OB/GYN. The OB/GYN showed the letter to the birth mother and they ended up matching. So, the match doesn't have to start at the agency. Our baby can come from anywhere.
Seeing all those couples at the meeting with their babies made it real for me. This will happen. It is just a matter of time.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Long overdue
Well there hasn't been a lot of progress lately but I still feel like it has been too long since I posted. We are finally closing in on the last of the paperwork. It is a long and tedious process and over the past few weeks I realized that the actual paperwork is only part of the process. Each of the choices we have to make on the forms will have influence on the birth mother we match with. So, it isn't the actual check this box if you want this or fill in this form for that. It is the discernment process of what is the best choice for us. Can we spend X for more travel, or medical expenses, etc? How much is X? Can we accept and handle the challenges of a child who is A or B?
But with that said, we have made almost all those decisions and filled out all the forms. We are now down to finishing the birth mother letter. And that is progressing nicely. I made a lot of progress this weekend on the photos and formatting. With a little bit of writing we should be able to send it off to our case worker at the agency for review.
But with that said, we have made almost all those decisions and filled out all the forms. We are now down to finishing the birth mother letter. And that is progressing nicely. I made a lot of progress this weekend on the photos and formatting. With a little bit of writing we should be able to send it off to our case worker at the agency for review.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Life keeps happpening
We are still working through the process. Life keeps getting in the way of our planning. :)
the good news is that A's cousin took some great photos for our birth mother letter. We are still working on the letter. In case I have not made the challenge clear. Imagine that you have a 2 page full color letter to convince a birth mother that you and your partner as great parents. That is our birth mother letter. We want it to be honest and true but we want it to be appealing to the birth mothers.
the good news is that A's cousin took some great photos for our birth mother letter. We are still working on the letter. In case I have not made the challenge clear. Imagine that you have a 2 page full color letter to convince a birth mother that you and your partner as great parents. That is our birth mother letter. We want it to be honest and true but we want it to be appealing to the birth mothers.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Time flies by and we keep working on the process
Life keeps going by. I was in Atlanta for 36 hours last week and I am in Vegas now. It is a challenge for A and I to spend time on the things that still need to be done for adoption paperwork. We have both gotten through our medical exams. (I actually had to give blood.)
Anyway, not much to tell, yet. We will have some time to work on our profile and birth mother letter this weekend. Those are really the only 2 things left. But also the most difficult.
Anyway, not much to tell, yet. We will have some time to work on our profile and birth mother letter this weekend. Those are really the only 2 things left. But also the most difficult.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A has her own blog now
Well, I knew it wouldn't take long and it didn't. A wants to have her own space to write and now she does. She has her own blog that you can link to on the right.
In my last post I commented on some of the decisions we had to make around work and time commitments and the coming year. I don't want there to be any confusion. The teaching, theatre and dance projects are things that I love to do. The extra money is nice too. But I work at my other job 40-50 hours per week on average. When we are busy that jumps to 60-80 hours. I want to remain committed to the few volunteer activities at church because I feel good about doing them and they only require monthly meetings. Now that we are focusing on the adoption process and (hopefully) soon the baby I feel that time is too precious to spend on additional work.
On to the present. Still working through the process while dealing with life. I got the basic design of the birth mother letter done over the weekend. We still have to write the content and pick the photos. It is hard to boil down everything about yourselves to 1 page front and back. It makes sense to keep it simple for the birth mother. But it is hard to know what to include and what to leave out.
The other big item is our profile. The agency that we are working with requires you to fill out a profile of all the potential babies you would be open to. This includes exposure to drugs & alcohol and ethnic background. Both are difficult decisions. No one wants to have their child exposed to drugs or alcohol but the reality is that many of these birth mothers didn't know or denied knowing they were pregnant. Sometimes that ignorance or denial gives them the freedom to continue to use drugs or alcohol. What strikes me as odd about this is that many of the symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse don't show up until after the 1st year. In a closed adoption the adoptive parents wouldn't know the birth parents or the history so they could end up with a child that has been exposed to drugs or alcohol and you might not know for months or years. At least with open adoption you know up front and can make an educated choice. We are not there yet. There is a lot of information on the subject and only so much time to read it all. We are taking in as much as we can and processing it as best we can.
Ethnic background is difficult for different reasons. As much as we would like to say that we can adopt any race and it won't make any difference that is not true. We have to consider our family , neighborhood, and community for the child. And our ability to give the child experience in their natural cultural heritage. I think cultural heritage is probably easier to deal with than acceptance in family and community. We are consulting our friends and family and want to be mindful of how we and the child will be treated. We want the support of our families and friends. But the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us and what we think is right for our baby. Just because we don't adopt a child of a different ethnic background doesn't mean that child is going to have an easier life. It just means that we might.
As you can see we are struggling with these choices still. I am confident that with prayerful discernment we will make the right choices. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the profile is just opening the possibility. Because we check the box that we are open to a child of a different race or has drug/alcohol exposure doesn't mean that is the situation we will be matched with. It just means that birth mothers of those children will get to see our letters. If they like our letter then we take it from there and see if we match.
In my last post I commented on some of the decisions we had to make around work and time commitments and the coming year. I don't want there to be any confusion. The teaching, theatre and dance projects are things that I love to do. The extra money is nice too. But I work at my other job 40-50 hours per week on average. When we are busy that jumps to 60-80 hours. I want to remain committed to the few volunteer activities at church because I feel good about doing them and they only require monthly meetings. Now that we are focusing on the adoption process and (hopefully) soon the baby I feel that time is too precious to spend on additional work.
On to the present. Still working through the process while dealing with life. I got the basic design of the birth mother letter done over the weekend. We still have to write the content and pick the photos. It is hard to boil down everything about yourselves to 1 page front and back. It makes sense to keep it simple for the birth mother. But it is hard to know what to include and what to leave out.
The other big item is our profile. The agency that we are working with requires you to fill out a profile of all the potential babies you would be open to. This includes exposure to drugs & alcohol and ethnic background. Both are difficult decisions. No one wants to have their child exposed to drugs or alcohol but the reality is that many of these birth mothers didn't know or denied knowing they were pregnant. Sometimes that ignorance or denial gives them the freedom to continue to use drugs or alcohol. What strikes me as odd about this is that many of the symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse don't show up until after the 1st year. In a closed adoption the adoptive parents wouldn't know the birth parents or the history so they could end up with a child that has been exposed to drugs or alcohol and you might not know for months or years. At least with open adoption you know up front and can make an educated choice. We are not there yet. There is a lot of information on the subject and only so much time to read it all. We are taking in as much as we can and processing it as best we can.
Ethnic background is difficult for different reasons. As much as we would like to say that we can adopt any race and it won't make any difference that is not true. We have to consider our family , neighborhood, and community for the child. And our ability to give the child experience in their natural cultural heritage. I think cultural heritage is probably easier to deal with than acceptance in family and community. We are consulting our friends and family and want to be mindful of how we and the child will be treated. We want the support of our families and friends. But the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us and what we think is right for our baby. Just because we don't adopt a child of a different ethnic background doesn't mean that child is going to have an easier life. It just means that we might.
As you can see we are struggling with these choices still. I am confident that with prayerful discernment we will make the right choices. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the profile is just opening the possibility. Because we check the box that we are open to a child of a different race or has drug/alcohol exposure doesn't mean that is the situation we will be matched with. It just means that birth mothers of those children will get to see our letters. If they like our letter then we take it from there and see if we match.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
More paperwork means we are getting closer
The more we do the more real it becomes. Got our fingerprints done. What a lame process. They have to run your prints for each type of check and of course there is a fee for each one. Anyway, glad that we did it over the holidays. With the multiple forms, and multiple scans it took almost 2 hours.
On Dec. 30 we had our home visit from our social worker. That went very smoothly. We need to get rid of or lock up some weed killer in the garage. (It isn't even ours. It is the land lord's) Other than that we passed fine. She did ask some questions that got us thinking though. Most notably our child care plans. Aaaaah! We haven't really thought about that. Last night we discussed it for the 1st time. There is no easy solution but this is something all parents deal with and they figure it out. We will too.
Yesterday, we looked at our calendar and also realized that we have to cut back on some things. Basically, I won't take on any extra work. No teaching and no outside shows. That was a tough decision but we are committed to focusing on the adoption process. Working 1 full time job is enough right now. I will miss the teaching and working with some great collaborators but time is too valuable right now.
Our letters of recommendation are starting to go in. We have done a lot of the paperwork. Still have to do physicals. The next big things on the agenda are filling out our profile for the baby and working on the dear birth mother letter.
On Dec. 30 we had our home visit from our social worker. That went very smoothly. We need to get rid of or lock up some weed killer in the garage. (It isn't even ours. It is the land lord's) Other than that we passed fine. She did ask some questions that got us thinking though. Most notably our child care plans. Aaaaah! We haven't really thought about that. Last night we discussed it for the 1st time. There is no easy solution but this is something all parents deal with and they figure it out. We will too.
Yesterday, we looked at our calendar and also realized that we have to cut back on some things. Basically, I won't take on any extra work. No teaching and no outside shows. That was a tough decision but we are committed to focusing on the adoption process. Working 1 full time job is enough right now. I will miss the teaching and working with some great collaborators but time is too valuable right now.
Our letters of recommendation are starting to go in. We have done a lot of the paperwork. Still have to do physicals. The next big things on the agenda are filling out our profile for the baby and working on the dear birth mother letter.
Monday, December 31, 2007
The word is officially out
Well, after telling my family on the web cam on Christmas Eve we followed up with telling A's family in person on Christmas Day. After we opened all the gifts A stood up and blurted it out. She was so nervous and excited she just popped and started crying and A's mom cried and then we all hugged and shook hands, etc. A's mom was especially excited. You could tell that she has been anticipating becoming a grandma for a while. They had a few questions but I think mostly they are just excited. I am sure more questions will come with time.
It is a huge relief to have both of our immediate and extended families know. Now we can tell everyone as we see them and not worry about it. It is also nice to have their support. Both families are excited and supportive and that is huge for us.
Since both parents know we have been telling other family and friends. All responses have been positive. Some of them overwhelmingly so. Seeing other people so excited makes us excited. It also makes it more real. It is easy to get bogged down in the paperwork and the finances and the logistics and lose the excitement that we are going to be parents.
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