Life keeps going by. I was in Atlanta for 36 hours last week and I am in Vegas now. It is a challenge for A and I to spend time on the things that still need to be done for adoption paperwork. We have both gotten through our medical exams. (I actually had to give blood.)
Anyway, not much to tell, yet. We will have some time to work on our profile and birth mother letter this weekend. Those are really the only 2 things left. But also the most difficult.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
A has her own blog now
Well, I knew it wouldn't take long and it didn't. A wants to have her own space to write and now she does. She has her own blog that you can link to on the right.
In my last post I commented on some of the decisions we had to make around work and time commitments and the coming year. I don't want there to be any confusion. The teaching, theatre and dance projects are things that I love to do. The extra money is nice too. But I work at my other job 40-50 hours per week on average. When we are busy that jumps to 60-80 hours. I want to remain committed to the few volunteer activities at church because I feel good about doing them and they only require monthly meetings. Now that we are focusing on the adoption process and (hopefully) soon the baby I feel that time is too precious to spend on additional work.
On to the present. Still working through the process while dealing with life. I got the basic design of the birth mother letter done over the weekend. We still have to write the content and pick the photos. It is hard to boil down everything about yourselves to 1 page front and back. It makes sense to keep it simple for the birth mother. But it is hard to know what to include and what to leave out.
The other big item is our profile. The agency that we are working with requires you to fill out a profile of all the potential babies you would be open to. This includes exposure to drugs & alcohol and ethnic background. Both are difficult decisions. No one wants to have their child exposed to drugs or alcohol but the reality is that many of these birth mothers didn't know or denied knowing they were pregnant. Sometimes that ignorance or denial gives them the freedom to continue to use drugs or alcohol. What strikes me as odd about this is that many of the symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse don't show up until after the 1st year. In a closed adoption the adoptive parents wouldn't know the birth parents or the history so they could end up with a child that has been exposed to drugs or alcohol and you might not know for months or years. At least with open adoption you know up front and can make an educated choice. We are not there yet. There is a lot of information on the subject and only so much time to read it all. We are taking in as much as we can and processing it as best we can.
Ethnic background is difficult for different reasons. As much as we would like to say that we can adopt any race and it won't make any difference that is not true. We have to consider our family , neighborhood, and community for the child. And our ability to give the child experience in their natural cultural heritage. I think cultural heritage is probably easier to deal with than acceptance in family and community. We are consulting our friends and family and want to be mindful of how we and the child will be treated. We want the support of our families and friends. But the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us and what we think is right for our baby. Just because we don't adopt a child of a different ethnic background doesn't mean that child is going to have an easier life. It just means that we might.
As you can see we are struggling with these choices still. I am confident that with prayerful discernment we will make the right choices. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the profile is just opening the possibility. Because we check the box that we are open to a child of a different race or has drug/alcohol exposure doesn't mean that is the situation we will be matched with. It just means that birth mothers of those children will get to see our letters. If they like our letter then we take it from there and see if we match.
In my last post I commented on some of the decisions we had to make around work and time commitments and the coming year. I don't want there to be any confusion. The teaching, theatre and dance projects are things that I love to do. The extra money is nice too. But I work at my other job 40-50 hours per week on average. When we are busy that jumps to 60-80 hours. I want to remain committed to the few volunteer activities at church because I feel good about doing them and they only require monthly meetings. Now that we are focusing on the adoption process and (hopefully) soon the baby I feel that time is too precious to spend on additional work.
On to the present. Still working through the process while dealing with life. I got the basic design of the birth mother letter done over the weekend. We still have to write the content and pick the photos. It is hard to boil down everything about yourselves to 1 page front and back. It makes sense to keep it simple for the birth mother. But it is hard to know what to include and what to leave out.
The other big item is our profile. The agency that we are working with requires you to fill out a profile of all the potential babies you would be open to. This includes exposure to drugs & alcohol and ethnic background. Both are difficult decisions. No one wants to have their child exposed to drugs or alcohol but the reality is that many of these birth mothers didn't know or denied knowing they were pregnant. Sometimes that ignorance or denial gives them the freedom to continue to use drugs or alcohol. What strikes me as odd about this is that many of the symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse don't show up until after the 1st year. In a closed adoption the adoptive parents wouldn't know the birth parents or the history so they could end up with a child that has been exposed to drugs or alcohol and you might not know for months or years. At least with open adoption you know up front and can make an educated choice. We are not there yet. There is a lot of information on the subject and only so much time to read it all. We are taking in as much as we can and processing it as best we can.
Ethnic background is difficult for different reasons. As much as we would like to say that we can adopt any race and it won't make any difference that is not true. We have to consider our family , neighborhood, and community for the child. And our ability to give the child experience in their natural cultural heritage. I think cultural heritage is probably easier to deal with than acceptance in family and community. We are consulting our friends and family and want to be mindful of how we and the child will be treated. We want the support of our families and friends. But the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us and what we think is right for our baby. Just because we don't adopt a child of a different ethnic background doesn't mean that child is going to have an easier life. It just means that we might.
As you can see we are struggling with these choices still. I am confident that with prayerful discernment we will make the right choices. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the profile is just opening the possibility. Because we check the box that we are open to a child of a different race or has drug/alcohol exposure doesn't mean that is the situation we will be matched with. It just means that birth mothers of those children will get to see our letters. If they like our letter then we take it from there and see if we match.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
More paperwork means we are getting closer
The more we do the more real it becomes. Got our fingerprints done. What a lame process. They have to run your prints for each type of check and of course there is a fee for each one. Anyway, glad that we did it over the holidays. With the multiple forms, and multiple scans it took almost 2 hours.
On Dec. 30 we had our home visit from our social worker. That went very smoothly. We need to get rid of or lock up some weed killer in the garage. (It isn't even ours. It is the land lord's) Other than that we passed fine. She did ask some questions that got us thinking though. Most notably our child care plans. Aaaaah! We haven't really thought about that. Last night we discussed it for the 1st time. There is no easy solution but this is something all parents deal with and they figure it out. We will too.
Yesterday, we looked at our calendar and also realized that we have to cut back on some things. Basically, I won't take on any extra work. No teaching and no outside shows. That was a tough decision but we are committed to focusing on the adoption process. Working 1 full time job is enough right now. I will miss the teaching and working with some great collaborators but time is too valuable right now.
Our letters of recommendation are starting to go in. We have done a lot of the paperwork. Still have to do physicals. The next big things on the agenda are filling out our profile for the baby and working on the dear birth mother letter.
On Dec. 30 we had our home visit from our social worker. That went very smoothly. We need to get rid of or lock up some weed killer in the garage. (It isn't even ours. It is the land lord's) Other than that we passed fine. She did ask some questions that got us thinking though. Most notably our child care plans. Aaaaah! We haven't really thought about that. Last night we discussed it for the 1st time. There is no easy solution but this is something all parents deal with and they figure it out. We will too.
Yesterday, we looked at our calendar and also realized that we have to cut back on some things. Basically, I won't take on any extra work. No teaching and no outside shows. That was a tough decision but we are committed to focusing on the adoption process. Working 1 full time job is enough right now. I will miss the teaching and working with some great collaborators but time is too valuable right now.
Our letters of recommendation are starting to go in. We have done a lot of the paperwork. Still have to do physicals. The next big things on the agenda are filling out our profile for the baby and working on the dear birth mother letter.
Monday, December 31, 2007
The word is officially out
Well, after telling my family on the web cam on Christmas Eve we followed up with telling A's family in person on Christmas Day. After we opened all the gifts A stood up and blurted it out. She was so nervous and excited she just popped and started crying and A's mom cried and then we all hugged and shook hands, etc. A's mom was especially excited. You could tell that she has been anticipating becoming a grandma for a while. They had a few questions but I think mostly they are just excited. I am sure more questions will come with time.
It is a huge relief to have both of our immediate and extended families know. Now we can tell everyone as we see them and not worry about it. It is also nice to have their support. Both families are excited and supportive and that is huge for us.
Since both parents know we have been telling other family and friends. All responses have been positive. Some of them overwhelmingly so. Seeing other people so excited makes us excited. It also makes it more real. It is easy to get bogged down in the paperwork and the finances and the logistics and lose the excitement that we are going to be parents.
Monday, December 24, 2007
The word is out
We have been slowly telling people on a need to know basis. (We wanted to tell our parents 1st but that wasn't working out.) I had to tell people at work to get the time off for the weekend and then for the employment verification form. Besides I want the people I spend a lot of time with to know what is going on. My supervisor at work was the 1st to shake my hand and congratulate me. That made it feel real. I am going to be a Dad! Later in the week we told more of our friends mostly because we needed some of them for recommendations. But it was nice to share the news with people close to us. Still trying to keep it on the down low until the family knows.
Tonight was the 1st big telling. We got my family on the web cam for the Christmas gift exchange. At the end we got everyone together and told them the news. We were both nervous and scared of the whole families' reaction. It went really well. They were all very supportive. We did not have time to go into the details about open adoption. I don't think that will change their support.
It will be interesting to see how they respond over time.
A's family is tomorrow. In person. Let you know how it goes. . . .
Tonight was the 1st big telling. We got my family on the web cam for the Christmas gift exchange. At the end we got everyone together and told them the news. We were both nervous and scared of the whole families' reaction. It went really well. They were all very supportive. We did not have time to go into the details about open adoption. I don't think that will change their support.
It will be interesting to see how they respond over time.
A's family is tomorrow. In person. Let you know how it goes. . . .
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Workshop day #2
Another day full of information. Too much information sometimes. Focused today on the birth mother relationship. Talked through some potential scenarios. Examples of birth mothers situations and discussed the positive and negative. Discussed if we would match and why. Brought up some interesting points.
We also met a couple who just finished adopting. Got to hear their story and ask questions. Their process was very fast. And although not typical it was another reminder that every case is different. Different adopted parents and different birth parents. Each has their own unique strengths and weaknesses.
And then we got to meet a birth mother and hear her story. That was great. She was full of information about how to help with the transition for the birth mother. Remember she is a person. Try to get to know her and develop a relationship so that she is comfortable with you. She is giving you her child for the rest of its life. Spend some time to get to know her. If all goes well you will be seeing each other for the next 18 years. It was a good reminder that although the baby is the focus of the relationship it will be a lot better if can find something else to build a friendship on. Open adoption is about keeping the birth parents in contact with the child. Research shows that is the best thing for the child. We want to do what is best for our child. Why not make it easier on ourselves and get to know the birth parents from the beginning?
There were some scary situations discussed. The overbearing birth grandmother who thinks she is still part of the parenting process. The father who shows up at the hospital and wants to get back together with the mother and keep the baby. The birth grandparents who show up at the hospital and talk the birth mother into keeping the baby. There are lots of potential problems with adoption whether it is open or not but there are lots of potential problems with pregnancy too. You could worry yourself to death about either.
We are feeling pretty good about the process. We still have a lot of little logistical paperwork to do. Mostly for the state-DMV record, fingerprints, and physical with HIV and TB test.
The big projects left though are the birth mother letter and web site. The letter is tough. How to get everything about why you would be great parents on 1 double sided page. And a lot of that space is photos. Several drafts in our future to get the maximum information in the minimum amount of space.
We also met a couple who just finished adopting. Got to hear their story and ask questions. Their process was very fast. And although not typical it was another reminder that every case is different. Different adopted parents and different birth parents. Each has their own unique strengths and weaknesses.
And then we got to meet a birth mother and hear her story. That was great. She was full of information about how to help with the transition for the birth mother. Remember she is a person. Try to get to know her and develop a relationship so that she is comfortable with you. She is giving you her child for the rest of its life. Spend some time to get to know her. If all goes well you will be seeing each other for the next 18 years. It was a good reminder that although the baby is the focus of the relationship it will be a lot better if can find something else to build a friendship on. Open adoption is about keeping the birth parents in contact with the child. Research shows that is the best thing for the child. We want to do what is best for our child. Why not make it easier on ourselves and get to know the birth parents from the beginning?
There were some scary situations discussed. The overbearing birth grandmother who thinks she is still part of the parenting process. The father who shows up at the hospital and wants to get back together with the mother and keep the baby. The birth grandparents who show up at the hospital and talk the birth mother into keeping the baby. There are lots of potential problems with adoption whether it is open or not but there are lots of potential problems with pregnancy too. You could worry yourself to death about either.
We are feeling pretty good about the process. We still have a lot of little logistical paperwork to do. Mostly for the state-DMV record, fingerprints, and physical with HIV and TB test.
The big projects left though are the birth mother letter and web site. The letter is tough. How to get everything about why you would be great parents on 1 double sided page. And a lot of that space is photos. Several drafts in our future to get the maximum information in the minimum amount of space.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Contract is signed!
Today was a great day. We had a long day of workshops about the open adoption process. Some of it was overwhelming but for the most part it was informational. We learned some new things and clarified a lot of things. At the end of the day we signed the contract. We are going to be parents! We have another day of workshops tomorrow and then it is up to us to get the paperwork in. We still have a lot to do. Things like Employment Verification Form, Medical History including HIV and TB tests, Fingerprints, and of course the birth mother letter. It is daunting but exciting. We have a team of people to help us along the way. Looking forward to another exciting day tomorrow.
P.S. To cap off our day our priest and his wife asked us to be Godparents of their adopted son who will be baptized in Jan. Pretty amazing.
P.S. To cap off our day our priest and his wife asked us to be Godparents of their adopted son who will be baptized in Jan. Pretty amazing.
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