God's plan for us

When I last posted in September I was feeling pretty depressed. After our closest match didn't happen I was feeling pretty frustrated with the adoption process. We had little to no contact from birth mothers on October, November, December. In January our journey to parenthood took a right turn. We got pregnant! It has been amazing and on Thursday we got to see the 1st real picture of our baby in utero. A is about 19 weeks so we had the option to find out the sex but we had already decided not to. We want to be surprised. And we have been!
We have no idea what is in store for us next. For now we are preparing to be parents to Rainbow (baby in utero). We are on hold for adoption for now. And that's as far as it goes for now. So this blog will be on hold for a while too.

It was not our time

It has been over a month so I can post now. We went to LA and met birth mother 1. It was exciting and nervous and scary. It seemed to go well. She brought her best friend which actually made it a little less awkward. We talked over dinner for a few hours. We really connected and it felt good. We maintained contact with her through email and about 3 weeks after the meeting she chose another family to match with. We knew that it was down to us and 1 one other family when we met with her. We really thought she was going to be the one. But that was not God's plan for us.
Around the same time we had 3 other contacts. They were all very brief and we didn't hear from them again.
Since then we have not had any contacts. It has been over a month since birth mother 1 picked the other family. I think we are just now accepting it. It was really hard in the beginning but we have both been very busy and that helps. We continue to wait for our baby. However God brings them to us.

A big step

There have been times that it felt like this day would never come. We are going to meet Birth Mother 1! Yeah! We had a few more email exchanges this week and she asked some more hard questions. Then yesterday she asked if we could meet her. So, we are going on Monday. Super fast trip. We will just be there for the night. This doesn't really commit either her or us but we feel really good about it. And she has told the agency that she really likes us.
It is really exciting. And scary and wonderful. I think this will really help the birth mother and us come to a decision on the match. Arranging the trip so fast has been challenging but we are handling it. The logistics part are easy but the emotional tension that comes with it is harder than I thought. A & I are both a little high strung. In a good way. I know that I have been on fire today with everything I have worked on. It is really intense but I am feeding on it right now. I don't know how I will feel by Monday.

The rollercoaster continues

Well, things have changed and things have stayed the same. In my last post I wrote that we were going on the last minute list. And we have. But so far that has made no difference. In other developments, though we have been in contact with 3 birth mothers. Birth mother 1 contacted us earlier this year. We had several email conversations and felt a strong connection with her. She is due in October and has time to think. So she went quiet for a while and we thought she might be gone. She is back though and we had a phone conversation that we thought went very well. It has been a couple of weeks since we heard from her last.
Birth mother 2 just contacted us on July 4. She is great for different reasons. We think that she is also due some time in October. She sent us a power point of her and the birth father! Crazy! We have not heard from her since. She has done an intake with our agency though. So at least she is getting good counseling.
Birth mother 3 contacted us yesterday. We were very excited because there were many things we shared in common with the birth mother and birth father. And with a whole other twist. They are having twins. They asked some great questions and I responded openly to all of them. One of them was about spirituality and religion. I was open and honest about our commitment to our church and to Christianity. Unfortunately they were hoping for a Universal Church or Non Denominational type church association. The birth father doesn't want the baby raised in a Christian house hold. (He was raised Catholic and apparently didn't like it very much.) So we got the response today that they are not a match for us.
As you can imagine this is an exhilarating, frustrating, annoying, joyous and exhausting process.
Keep us in your prayers.

Things are about to change

Well, despite the long silence here on the blog some things have been happening. We have had a few contacts over the last several months. 5 since December. They have been all over the map literally and figuratively. Unfortunately they have also all been early in the pregnancy and each of them broke off communications at some point. It has been frustrating not knowing why but I take solace in knowing now instead of at the delivery.
Our most recent development is that we had our 1 year update. It is hard to believe but we have been on the list at IAC for 1 year. Although things have not developed the way that we planned (very few things do in life) we are still very much committed to this path. After 1 year the agency has given us the option to go on the last minute list. This gives us the opportunity to be matched at any time. It is not the preferred method of open adoption because there will be no time to meet before the birth. In fact, we don't get a call until after the birth. Other than that everything will happen the same but in a much shorter time frame. The birth mother will still pick a couple from the birth mother letters given to her based on her profile. The IAC will still try to create the best match for everyone involved. We will still be given the option not to meet the birth mother if it doesn't feel right. The hardest part will be deciding in 30 minutes. That's right. They will call and give us 30 minutes to decide if we want to meet the birth mother and then get to the hospital ASAP. On the plus side we would only be matched in California so we would not have far to travel and the adoption laws are pretty simple. It is daunting to think about at 1st. But really we have been ready for a year. The agency is only going to call us with birth mothers that match our profile. We have already made decisions about most of the possibilities. It will be weird going from being non parents to parents overnight but it will be exciting too. This doesn't mean that we won't be able to have a relationship with the mother after the match. Although it is less common for the birth mother to maintain contact with the adoptive family after the adoption many do stay in contact. We hope that our baby can know the woman that gives the greatest gift of our lives.
This will all become a reality on June 1. That doesn't mean we will be matched on June 2. It may take weeks or months but it could happen anytime after June 1. Yippee!
There is also still the possibility that we will be matched with a birth mother before the birth but this will now be another option.
Now, we have to go buy a car set :)
Keep praying for us.

Everything is not always as it seems

In my last post I mentioned that there was a couple in our church who already got matched and had a baby girl. They only got to keep her for 10 days. It is a complicated situation but it comes down to the state deciding that neither the father or mother were competent enough to sign the relinquishment papers. ( I think.) The birth mother and birth father are both mentally challenged which the adoptive parents knew. But they were working with a social worker who was taking them all through the process. It seemed like a done deal. It is so unfortunate. I feel so badly for our friends. In some way I feel little relief that is not us. But I also feel trepidation knowing that it could be us. It seems like such a simple idea. A woman is pregnant with a baby that she doesn't want to parent. A couple can't get pregnant but want to be parents. Let's put the 2 together. It just doesn't seem to work that way. . . .

Overdue Checkin

It has been a long time since I posted but there has been little to update. In the big picture nothing has changed. A & I are still waiting. It is sometimes very frustrating. We have not even had any contact. I know that God has a plan and we will be parents when it is time for us to be but I don't always keep that in mind. It can seem so unfair to see other people become parents so easily. The most recent occurrence. A couple from our Church that is using the same agency finished their paperwork and became available for a match 3 months after us. A few weeks ago they were matched and already have a baby girl. We are very happy for them but deep down it does seem a little unfair. But that is the way that Open Adoption works. We can only put the request out there. And based on the information available the Birth Mother chooses. It is one of the many things that we can not control in the process. It has made us a question if we are even supposed to be parents. But fortunately we have friends and family who are supportive. And as many have pointed out. If pregnancy doesn't come easily then there is no easy path to parenthood.Each path is just challenging in different ways.
Lately we have tried to focus on ourselves. Filling our time with work, church, and celebrating birthdays and anniversaries. Taking advantage of being able to stay out on a weeknight, meet friends for a drink on last minute notice, etc. It is little comfort but it is what we have control over. We can only use the time we have the best way we know how.

Latest update (Not much)

It has been a little over 3 months since out letter went into circulation and we have not had any real contacts. 2 email spams and 1 wrong number. (Some woman called our 800 number by mistake when she meant to call the agency. She actually knew a birthmother and was trying to make an adoption plan with her.) Our letter has gone out a few times. That means that a birthmother asked to see our letter along with others but never contacted us. It is hard right now. We have done all that we can do, really. Last week we mailed out 100 letters to organizations around the country. (Clinics, hospitals, etc.) So, at least we can keep looking for new contacts.We did go to a group meeting at the agency. We were the only couple there that had not adopted, yet. That was challenging but it was inspiring to hear all the different journeys to parenthood. And a reminder that it will happen it is just a matter of when. 

Other than that we are trying to take friends advice. Take advantage of the time that you have. Go out, stay out late, sleep in, travel because you will do less of all of those things as a parent. So we are trying to do that. 

Life speeding by

Well it has been a while since I posted. Things have been moving right along though. We did finally get the letter printed, approved and in circulation. And we got the website designed with the donation of time from a friend. We have sent the website out to most people we know and quite a few people that we don't know. Now we are starting to focus on getting the letters out to people. Trying to get it to people who have a greater probability of meeting a birth mom and working out from there. As our counselor keeps reminding us it only takes one connection.
It seems like it has been about a month since our letter went into circulation. In some ways this is the hardest part, the waiting. We are really trying to be patient but it isn't easy. Most of the time we are busy enough that we don't focus on it too long. If we dwell on it we will go crazy. The reality is we could get a call tomorrow or in a year. It is hard to be ready for that.

Letter still on hold

Well, if you have been following along you know that today we had hoped to have out letters in hand. But, alas, that is not true. Although I did get the file to the printer last Friday and we did get to have a nice relaxing weekend the proof has still not been approved by the agency, yet. We did get a proof on Monday and A drove the proof to the agency but we didn't hear back from them until Friday. Since we didn't have the actual photo print that we will be attaching they didn't want to approve it and they had one more minor change. Needless to say, we were a little upset. I was just plain mad. I thought the proof was really a formality. Now I may have to change the file, upload it, and get another proof.
We were both getting pretty impatient and frustrated until A posted on the agency's discussion forums and heard from other adoptive families who went through very similar processes. We have to remind each other that they are only trying to help us in the way that they have helped thousands of other families. We have been waiting a long time we can wait a little longer.

Printing is full of pain

Who knew you needed to be a graphic designer and web designer to become a parent. It certainly feels that way right now. We have spent some long hours on creating the design, picking the photos and writing the text. After 3 revisions with our social worker we got approval to get the letter printed. Who knew the painful process that would be. After printing the letter at home and getting it the way we wanted I took it into work to use our laser printer. (My boss offered to let me use our printer to save money) 2 laser printers, 1 ink jet printer and 2 kinds of paper later I gave up trying to print it at work. On to a professional print shop. The print shop was very helpful. After talking to them we decided that paying for the print service was best. I still had to prepare the files, though. Another arduous process. Especially when I discovered most of the photos would have to be imported again at a higher resolution. So, I did that. And with the help of a few friends we got all the photos in the correct resolution. So, right now I am uploading the files to the print service. Multiple times to get everything right. We will have a proof on Monday. If all goes well we will have the letters by April 4 and we will be sending them out after that.

This has been quite the learning experience. I didn't want to pay someone to do the letter for us. I am not sure if that was the right choice. We did save a lot of money and I did learn some valuable skills. But it also has eaten up a lot of our time. Including part of our vacation. Now that the letter is finally done (I hope). I am going to try enjoy the rest of the time off I have.

1st group session

This week we went to our first group "counseling" session. It isn't really counseling but more of a support group. After you adopt it is required until the adoption is finalized. But the groups are open to any couples in the process. We weren't the only couples waiting to adopt who attended but we were in the minority. We heard some fantastic stories. Everything from easy as cake to long drawn out processes. But they all had babies so the stories always had happy endings.The group was very supportive of each other and helpful with challenges. Since everyone is different places in the process there is a lot of experience to share.
Our process is getting close to the next phase. All the paperwork has been turned in. We will have to do some revisions to birth mother letter and then the web site.Once that is done we will start with some self promotion. So, if you are reading this you will probably get some letters to hand out. One of the stories we heard was how the adoptive mother and birth mother's mother had the same OB/GYN. The OB/GYN showed the letter to the birth mother and they ended up matching. So, the match doesn't have to start at the agency. Our baby can come from anywhere.

Seeing all those couples at the meeting with their babies made it real for me. This will happen. It is just a matter of time.

Long overdue

Well there hasn't been a lot of progress lately but I still feel like it has been too long since I posted. We are finally closing in on the last of the paperwork. It is a long and tedious process and over the past few weeks I realized that the actual paperwork is only part of the process. Each of the choices we have to make on the forms will have influence on the birth mother we match with. So, it isn't the actual check this box if you want this or fill in this form for that. It is the discernment process of what is the best choice for us. Can we spend X for more travel, or medical expenses, etc? How much is X? Can we accept and handle the challenges of a child who is A or B?
But with that said, we have made almost all those decisions and filled out all the forms. We are now down to finishing the birth mother letter. And that is progressing nicely. I made a lot of progress this weekend on the photos and formatting. With a little bit of writing we should be able to send it off to our case worker at the agency for review.

Life keeps happpening

We are still working through the process. Life keeps getting in the way of our planning. :)
the good news is that A's cousin took some great photos for our birth mother letter. We are still working on the letter. In case I have not made the challenge clear. Imagine that you have a 2 page full color letter to convince a birth mother that you and your partner as great parents. That is our birth mother letter. We want it to be honest and true but we want it to be appealing to the birth mothers.

Time flies by and we keep working on the process

Life keeps going by. I was in Atlanta for 36 hours last week and I am in Vegas now. It is a challenge for A and I to spend time on the things that still need to be done for adoption paperwork. We have both gotten through our medical exams. (I actually had to give blood.)
Anyway, not much to tell, yet. We will have some time to work on our profile and birth mother letter this weekend. Those are really the only 2 things left. But also the most difficult.

A has her own blog now

Well, I knew it wouldn't take long and it didn't. A wants to have her own space to write and now she does. She has her own blog that you can link to on the right.
In my last post I commented on some of the decisions we had to make around work and time commitments and the coming year. I don't want there to be any confusion. The teaching, theatre and dance projects are things that I love to do. The extra money is nice too. But I work at my other job 40-50 hours per week on average. When we are busy that jumps to 60-80 hours. I want to remain committed to the few volunteer activities at church because I feel good about doing them and they only require monthly meetings. Now that we are focusing on the adoption process and (hopefully) soon the baby I feel that time is too precious to spend on additional work.
On to the present. Still working through the process while dealing with life. I got the basic design of the birth mother letter done over the weekend. We still have to write the content and pick the photos. It is hard to boil down everything about yourselves to 1 page front and back. It makes sense to keep it simple for the birth mother. But it is hard to know what to include and what to leave out.
The other big item is our profile. The agency that we are working with requires you to fill out a profile of all the potential babies you would be open to. This includes exposure to drugs & alcohol and ethnic background. Both are difficult decisions. No one wants to have their child exposed to drugs or alcohol but the reality is that many of these birth mothers didn't know or denied knowing they were pregnant. Sometimes that ignorance or denial gives them the freedom to continue to use drugs or alcohol. What strikes me as odd about this is that many of the symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse don't show up until after the 1st year. In a closed adoption the adoptive parents wouldn't know the birth parents or the history so they could end up with a child that has been exposed to drugs or alcohol and you might not know for months or years. At least with open adoption you know up front and can make an educated choice. We are not there yet. There is a lot of information on the subject and only so much time to read it all. We are taking in as much as we can and processing it as best we can.
Ethnic background is difficult for different reasons. As much as we would like to say that we can adopt any race and it won't make any difference that is not true. We have to consider our family , neighborhood, and community for the child. And our ability to give the child experience in their natural cultural heritage. I think cultural heritage is probably easier to deal with than acceptance in family and community. We are consulting our friends and family and want to be mindful of how we and the child will be treated. We want the support of our families and friends. But the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us and what we think is right for our baby. Just because we don't adopt a child of a different ethnic background doesn't mean that child is going to have an easier life. It just means that we might.
As you can see we are struggling with these choices still. I am confident that with prayerful discernment we will make the right choices. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the profile is just opening the possibility. Because we check the box that we are open to a child of a different race or has drug/alcohol exposure doesn't mean that is the situation we will be matched with. It just means that birth mothers of those children will get to see our letters. If they like our letter then we take it from there and see if we match.

More paperwork means we are getting closer

The more we do the more real it becomes. Got our fingerprints done. What a lame process. They have to run your prints for each type of check and of course there is a fee for each one. Anyway, glad that we did it over the holidays. With the multiple forms, and multiple scans it took almost 2 hours.
On Dec. 30 we had our home visit from our social worker. That went very smoothly. We need to get rid of or lock up some weed killer in the garage. (It isn't even ours. It is the land lord's) Other than that we passed fine. She did ask some questions that got us thinking though. Most notably our child care plans. Aaaaah! We haven't really thought about that. Last night we discussed it for the 1st time. There is no easy solution but this is something all parents deal with and they figure it out. We will too.
Yesterday, we looked at our calendar and also realized that we have to cut back on some things. Basically, I won't take on any extra work. No teaching and no outside shows. That was a tough decision but we are committed to focusing on the adoption process. Working 1 full time job is enough right now. I will miss the teaching and working with some great collaborators but time is too valuable right now.
Our letters of recommendation are starting to go in. We have done a lot of the paperwork. Still have to do physicals. The next big things on the agenda are filling out our profile for the baby and working on the dear birth mother letter.

The word is officially out

Well, after telling my family on the web cam on Christmas Eve we followed up with telling A's family in person on Christmas Day. After we opened all the gifts A stood up and blurted it out. She was so nervous and excited she just popped and started crying and A's mom cried and then we all hugged and shook hands, etc. A's mom was especially excited. You could tell that she has been anticipating becoming a grandma for a while. They had a few questions but I think mostly they are just excited. I am sure more questions will come with time. 

It is a huge relief to have both of our immediate and extended families know. Now we can tell everyone as we see them and not worry about it. It is also nice to have their support. Both families are excited and supportive and that is huge for us. 

Since both parents know we have been telling other family and friends. All responses have been positive. Some of them overwhelmingly so. Seeing other people so excited makes us excited. It also makes it more real. It is easy to get bogged down in the paperwork and the finances and the logistics and lose the excitement that we are going to be parents. 

The word is out

We have been slowly telling people on a need to know basis. (We wanted to tell our parents 1st but that wasn't working out.) I had to tell people at work to get the time off for the weekend and then for the employment verification form. Besides I want the people I spend a lot of time with to know what is going on. My supervisor at work was the 1st to shake my hand and congratulate me. That made it feel real. I am going to be a Dad! Later in the week we told more of our friends mostly because we needed some of them for recommendations. But it was nice to share the news with people close to us. Still trying to keep it on the down low until the family knows.
Tonight was the 1st big telling. We got my family on the web cam for the Christmas gift exchange. At the end we got everyone together and told them the news. We were both nervous and scared of the whole families' reaction. It went really well. They were all very supportive. We did not have time to go into the details about open adoption. I don't think that will change their support.
It will be interesting to see how they respond over time.
A's family is tomorrow. In person. Let you know how it goes. . . .

Workshop day #2

Another day full of information. Too much information sometimes. Focused today on the birth mother relationship. Talked through some potential scenarios. Examples of birth mothers situations and discussed the positive and negative. Discussed if we would match and why. Brought up some interesting points.
We also met a couple who just finished adopting. Got to hear their story and ask questions. Their process was very fast. And although not typical it was another reminder that every case is different. Different adopted parents and different birth parents. Each has their own unique strengths and weaknesses.
And then we got to meet a birth mother and hear her story. That was great. She was full of information about how to help with the transition for the birth mother. Remember she is a person. Try to get to know her and develop a relationship so that she is comfortable with you. She is giving you her child for the rest of its life. Spend some time to get to know her. If all goes well you will be seeing each other for the next 18 years. It was a good reminder that although the baby is the focus of the relationship it will be a lot better if can find something else to build a friendship on. Open adoption is about keeping the birth parents in contact with the child. Research shows that is the best thing for the child. We want to do what is best for our child. Why not make it easier on ourselves and get to know the birth parents from the beginning?
There were some scary situations discussed. The overbearing birth grandmother who thinks she is still part of the parenting process. The father who shows up at the hospital and wants to get back together with the mother and keep the baby. The birth grandparents who show up at the hospital and talk the birth mother into keeping the baby. There are lots of potential problems with adoption whether it is open or not but there are lots of potential problems with pregnancy too. You could worry yourself to death about either.
We are feeling pretty good about the process. We still have a lot of little logistical paperwork to do. Mostly for the state-DMV record, fingerprints, and physical with HIV and TB test.
The big projects left though are the birth mother letter and web site. The letter is tough. How to get everything about why you would be great parents on 1 double sided page. And a lot of that space is photos. Several drafts in our future to get the maximum information in the minimum amount of space.